I’m not Lula Mae anymore

I think I’ve changed. Hopefully for the better, although, not entirely.

I used to think that the universe would punish me if I ever got mad at anyone. I actually googled “what would Jesus do?” at one point trying to suppress negative feelings. That’s the part where I think I’ve changed for the worse. I don’t avoid conflict as much as I used to. It has surprisingly worked in my favor, actually. Not that I am proud of it. Calling people out on their shit kinda became… necessary.

Other than becoming a worse person, I have also changed my preferences in random things dramatically!

I seem to love tomatoes and onions. Something I removed from every single sandwich I had until I was probably 30.

But the biggest change was that I don’t hate the city I grew up in anymore. I remember why I left, but I don’t hate it at all. I remember my dreams, my wishes and the movies I watched as I imaged what my life would be like far away from that horrible beach I didn’t step foot in for good 10 years even though it was figuratively across the street. I remember hating it so much.

Now, I love it there. I love the simplicity of the people. I love the food. I love the heat. The water is healing.

I guess I only had a certain amount of hate available in my body and I ended up redirecting it. Using it all up toward certain people.

Probably a fair trade. My beach never hurt anyone.

Home

At some point I realized I just wanted to go home. Not to the perfect city, perfect country in a house with the perfect library. Not even the actual house I grew up in, just a place that felt safe and felt mine.

We moved 6 times in the past 5 years. 5 different cities, 2 very different countries. There was something about not being able to put my pictures up in the wall that deeply disturbed me. I worried about the kids, as I pointed out many times that I didn’t wanna move around much ’cause this can be disturbing for a child. Heck, it was disturbing for me as an adult as well.

When we moved last year, I cried. I didn’t want to do that anymore. No more moving. Just staying still. I wanted something at least slightly permanent.

So, I said it out loud. “The only way I am moving out of this house is if we ever buy a house of our own”.

It turns out I have magical powers.

We found a house that was small and cozy and painted in red and green… which reminded me of Christmas. There’s nothing safer than the stability of Christmas traditions. I did not change a thing when we moved in. I was just happy to be home.

I can barely wait for the memories we will build here.