a Monday

It’s fine.

After years of being petrified by fear, for a moment, I decided to live. Sit on the floor and play legos with my girls.

There are so many memories that I never made because I couldn’t move out of being scared. The tornado I was preparing for, never came though. But I feared it… because I couldn’t just be unrealistically optimistic. That reality seamed like just a possibility. Even though it was, in fact, reality.

So at one point, it just became too much. The world was so scary and so overwhelming that I burst into numbness. I wasn’t sad or scared anymore. I was just… there. Now. In the present. Which is a rare thing for me, but has always been a goal.

I thought about the little things around me that made me happy. A Hallmark Christmas movie. Knitting. Drawing. Everything I could touch and be. Right now. Not making plans for tomorrow or worrying about what it could bring.

And, for a second, I wasn’t scared. I wondered if that was happiness and wondered if this is how people without anxiety lived. I also wondered how long I could make it last. I felt like I deserved it.

It was an intense Monday.