Red

Everyone who’s known me for longer than 15 minutes, probably knows that I am big fan of my so-called life. So much so that I even wrote a fan fiction about it.

If you asked me when I was 20, I’d tell you that fan fictions were the most ridiculous things ever written. Oh well, people change.

The thing is, from time to time, I die my hair red, like the character Angela Chase did in the show, on the very first episode. When I do that, I don’t recognize myself in the mirror at all. I don’t think I look good either. It’s just something I feel like I *have* to do as if I had no option. And the feeling takes over me.

Looking back at the pictures from when my hair was red, I was able to see a similarity.

It was red when we hopped on the plane to move to Canada.

It was red through almost all the 4 years in which I had to keep working at a job I hated.

It was always red… when I couldn’t handle things.

It was like I wanted to give Michele a break and let this red-haired person take over for her. I knew Michele couldn’t do it, but maybe this other woman I saw in the mirror could. Michele was probably crawling under a rock somewhere.

So, the other day my husband looks and me and tells me I look calm. Which is always the goal but not something I can achieve on a baily basis.

I looked in the mirror and I saw an old girl with dusty blonde hair. She looked like me. And I knew my husband was right. If I was being brave enough to face the world as myself, I was having a good day.

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Living in the now

This picture is perfect.

Real photographers could criticize it enough, I am sure. But it is perfect, look:

This is a picture of my dad’s ultimate dream life. That’s him sitting on that chair. In the water, you can see my mom and her grandkids.

This is all my dad wants from life, he told me. He said, he just wants to sit at the beach and watch the kids grow.

What a great dream to have. So impressively achievable.

So, after we visited him in January, I decided to never let go of my dad again. Wherever the children go, he’d go. Watch them grow.

That was in January, though. We all know what happened next.

I feel like I am living in a Will Smith movie. It’s weird even writing the words “but then, the virus came”. Now, he is alone at the beach… and the 4 of us are here, quite desperate.

This pandemic made so many decisions feel urgent. Made us miss so many simple things.

As soon as we can, we are going to do all the things that we couldn’t do for so many months.

As soon as I can, I’m gonna sit at the beach with my dad.

Watch the kids grow. Never let go.