I’m not Lula Mae anymore

I think I’ve changed. Hopefully for the better, although, not entirely.

I used to think that the universe would punish me if I ever got mad at anyone. I actually googled “what would Jesus do?” at one point trying to suppress negative feelings. That’s the part where I think I’ve changed for the worse. I don’t avoid conflict as much as I used to. It has surprisingly worked in my favor, actually. Not that I am proud of it. Calling people out on their shit kinda became… necessary.

Other than becoming a worse person, I have also changed my preferences in random things dramatically!

I seem to love tomatoes and onions. Something I removed from every single sandwich I had until I was probably 30.

But the biggest change was that I don’t hate the city I grew up in anymore. I remember why I left, but I don’t hate it at all. I remember my dreams, my wishes and the movies I watched as I imaged what my life would be like far away from that horrible beach I didn’t step foot in for good 10 years even though it was figuratively across the street. I remember hating it so much.

Now, I love it there. I love the simplicity of the people. I love the food. I love the heat. The water is healing.

I guess I only had a certain amount of hate available in my body and I ended up redirecting it. Using it all up toward certain people.

Probably a fair trade. My beach never hurt anyone.

Living in the now

This picture is perfect.

Real photographers could criticize it enough, I am sure. But it is perfect, look:

This is a picture of my dad’s ultimate dream life. That’s him sitting on that chair. In the water, you can see my mom and her grandkids.

This is all my dad wants from life, he told me. He said, he just wants to sit at the beach and watch the kids grow.

What a great dream to have. So impressively achievable.

So, after we visited him in January, I decided to never let go of my dad again. Wherever the children go, he’d go. Watch them grow.

That was in January, though. We all know what happened next.

I feel like I am living in a Will Smith movie. It’s weird even writing the words “but then, the virus came”. Now, he is alone at the beach… and the 4 of us are here, quite desperate.

This pandemic made so many decisions feel urgent. Made us miss so many simple things.

As soon as we can, we are going to do all the things that we couldn’t do for so many months.

As soon as I can, I’m gonna sit at the beach with my dad.

Watch the kids grow. Never let go.