After years of being petrified by fear, for a moment, I decided to live. Sit on the floor and play legos with my girls.
There are so many memories that I never made because I couldn’t move out of being scared. The tornado I was preparing for, never came though. But I feared it… because I couldn’t just be unrealistically optimistic. That reality seamed like just a possibility. Even though it was, in fact, reality.
So at one point, it just became too much. The world was so scary and so overwhelming that I burst into numbness. I wasn’t sad or scared anymore. I was just… there. Now. In the present. Which is a rare thing for me, but has always been a goal.
I thought about the little things around me that made me happy. A Hallmark Christmas movie. Knitting. Drawing. Everything I could touch and be. Right now. Not making plans for tomorrow or worrying about what it could bring.
And, for a second, I wasn’t scared. I wondered if that was happiness and wondered if this is how people without anxiety lived. I also wondered how long I could make it last. I felt like I deserved it.
It was an intense Monday.
At some point I realized I just wanted to go home. Not to the perfect city, perfect country in a house with the perfect library. Not even the actual house I grew up in, just a place that felt safe and felt mine.
We moved 6 times in the past 5 years. 5 different cities, 2 very different countries. There was something about not being able to put my pictures up in the wall that deeply disturbed me. I worried about the kids, as I pointed out many times that I didn’t wanna move around much ’cause this can be disturbing for a child. Heck, it was disturbing for me as an adult as well.
When we moved last year, I cried. I didn’t want to do that anymore. No more moving. Just staying still. I wanted something at least slightly permanent.
So, I said it out loud. “The only way I am moving out of this house is if we ever buy a house of our own”.
It turns out I have magical powers.
We found a house that was small and cozy and painted in red and green… which reminded me of Christmas. There’s nothing safer than the stability of Christmas traditions. I did not change a thing when we moved in. I was just happy to be home.
I can barely wait for the memories we will build here.
I am listening to Alanis’ Words+Music. It is perfect.
I feel emotional, happy, sad and mostly not alone.
I’m thinking about how long it’s been since the day I locked myself in my room next to my CD player and determined I would memorize all the songs in her MTV acoustic special CD.
It’s been a lifetime.
Sometimes I am scared that we are moving too fast towards the end, even though this is technically the middle. Not for long.
On this audiobook she talks about how the uses her lyrics to get stuff out of her system. She does it so she won’t get sick. Apparently, it works. That’s when it hit me. This is what I do too. I write things down.
Whatever I am scared of, whatever it is that I am feeling that seems completely overwhelming… if I write it down, it becomes only words. And words don’t scare me that much. They are actually beautiful.
A couple years ago, my therapist asked me how I coped with the rollercoaster that is my mind. I didn’t have an answer. But this was it. This is how I cope. Using words… plus music.
You never know what you’re gonna learn about yourself every day.
I hope it helps you too.