Red

Everyone who’s known me for longer than 15 minutes, probably knows that I am big fan of my so-called life. So much so that I even wrote a fan fiction about it.

If you asked me when I was 20, I’d tell you that fan fictions were the most ridiculous things ever written. Oh well, people change.

The thing is, from time to time, I die my hair red, like the character Angela Chase did in the show, on the very first episode. When I do that, I don’t recognize myself in the mirror at all. I don’t think I look good either. It’s just something I feel like I *have* to do as if I had no option. And the feeling takes over me.

Looking back at the pictures from when my hair was red, I was able to see a similarity.

It was red when we hopped on the plane to move to Canada.

It was red through almost all the 4 years in which I had to keep working at a job I hated.

It was always red… when I couldn’t handle things.

It was like I wanted to give Michele a break and let this red-haired person take over for her. I knew Michele couldn’t do it, but maybe this other woman I saw in the mirror could. Michele was probably crawling under a rock somewhere.

So, the other day my husband looks and me and tells me I look calm. Which is always the goal but not something I can achieve on a baily basis.

I looked in the mirror and I saw an old girl with dusty blonde hair. She looked like me. And I knew my husband was right. If I was being brave enough to face the world as myself, I was having a good day.

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a Monday

It’s fine.

After years of being petrified by fear, for a moment, I decided to live. Sit on the floor and play legos with my girls.

There are so many memories that I never made because I couldn’t move out of being scared. The tornado I was preparing for, never came though. But I feared it… because I couldn’t just be unrealistically optimistic. That reality seamed like just a possibility. Even though it was, in fact, reality.

So at one point, it just became too much. The world was so scary and so overwhelming that I burst into numbness. I wasn’t sad or scared anymore. I was just… there. Now. In the present. Which is a rare thing for me, but has always been a goal.

I thought about the little things around me that made me happy. A Hallmark Christmas movie. Knitting. Drawing. Everything I could touch and be. Right now. Not making plans for tomorrow or worrying about what it could bring.

And, for a second, I wasn’t scared. I wondered if that was happiness and wondered if this is how people without anxiety lived. I also wondered how long I could make it last. I felt like I deserved it.

It was an intense Monday.

Audiobook: Words+Music by Alanis Morissette

I am listening to Alanis’ Words+Music. It is perfect.

I feel emotional, happy, sad and mostly not alone.

I’m thinking about how long it’s been since the day I locked myself in my room next to my CD player and determined I would memorize all the songs in her MTV acoustic special CD.

It’s been a lifetime.

Sometimes I am scared that we are moving too fast towards the end, even though this is technically the middle. Not for long.

On this audiobook she talks about how the uses her lyrics to get stuff out of her system. She does it so she won’t get sick. Apparently, it works. That’s when it hit me. This is what I do too. I write things down.

Whatever I am scared of, whatever it is that I am feeling that seems completely overwhelming… if I write it down, it becomes only words. And words don’t scare me that much. They are actually beautiful.

A couple years ago, my therapist asked me how I coped with the rollercoaster that is my mind. I didn’t have an answer. But this was it. This is how I cope. Using words… plus music.

You never know what you’re gonna learn about yourself every day.

I hope it helps you too.